How to be: A Cat

Take note future cats:
How to Be A Cat
•Be Fat (optional)
•Be groomed (also optional)
•Groom yourself EVERY FIVE MINUTES (not optional)
•Meow obnoxiously at your owner to go out, but never actually Go Out
•Sunbathe
•Be cute for treats and petting, but if one tries to pet your stomach, attack: Do it so the humans know you want pet and play, but get too comfortable and you'll shank a b-
*clears throat*
Anyways...
•Always beg for food, even if the bowl is overflowing, because more is never enough
•Always randomly attack the humans, just to prove dominance, so they know their place
•Rub against anything and EVERYTHING, "Little high, Little low" that weird talking mouse thing once said
•And if you're feeling generous, bring your owner one of your "findings" (Anything dead, remember, Humans eat mush food because they can't eat "animal" food)
And there you go, your tips to being a cat.